


On Board

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Babies, Family Bonding, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 16:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19299043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: “You look emotionally constipated, Diego. Is babysitting draining you of your vim and vigor?”Diego rubs his hand over his face. Sometimes, spending time with Klaus feels like popping his own brain cells one by one like bubble wrap.





	On Board

**Author's Note:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin.

“You gotta eat,” Diego says.

Claire shakes her little head. 

“Or not,” Diego says, sitting back. They’ve been at this impasse for about fifteen minutes. Diego feels like he should keep trying to get some food in her little mouth, but Allison said she’d be back by dinner, and Diego’s honestly tempted to let the kid chill out until then.

“Well, well, well,” a voice says at the entrance of the kitchen. “Domestic Diego? I feel like I’ve stumbled upon hitherto uncharted territory.”

Diego doesn’t have to turn to see who it is. He sighs, squares his shoulders— Claire is still goggling at him— and exhales slowly.

“What do you want, Klaus?” he says.

“Oh, you know,” Klaus says, sauntering in. He’s wearing one of Diego’s tank tops, what looks like Five’s tie, and his own army fatigue pants. “Food. I take it Claire doesn’t?”

“We’re negotiating,” Diego says. He nudges the plate closer to Claire. “You want to show Klaus how good you are at eating?”

“Just because the burning need to prove yourself to everyone around you is the only thing that motivates you doesn’t mean it’ll work for a nine-month-old,” Klaus says, wandering over to the fridge.

“No one asked you,” Diego says.

“When has that ever stopped me?”

“Not nearly often enough,” Diego says. “Claire, if you don’t eat those sweet potatoes, Klaus is gonna take them.”

“I give you a six out ten for effort on that one but a zero for efficacy, bro,” Klaus says, retrieving a cup of yogurt and closing the fridge. “Hey, why are you watching Claire anyway?”

“Allison’s out,” Diego says.

“Why?”

“Stroller broke, she’s getting a new one.”

“I thought Luther usually babysat for her,” Klaus says. 

“Not today,” Diego says. Klaus opens a drawer to take out a spoon, and bumps the drawer closed with his hip. “He’s out with Allison. Honestly, he seemed pretty relieved. The big guy loves Claire, but I think he’s scared of watching her.”

“Aww, really?” Klaus says. “Why?”

“He’s convinced she hates him,” Diego says.

“Does she hate him?” Klaus says, taking a seat at the table next to Diego.

“She’s a _baby,”_ Diego says.

“That doesn’t mean she can’t hate him,” Klaus says. He peels off the lid of the yogurt and licks it before setting it aside. “Babies can be so mean. One time this six-month-old told me my jacket made me look like a middle-tier vampire with daddy issues to the bone and an ass like a lump under a carpet.”

Diego blinks.

“Maybe I might have hallucinated that,” Klaus amends. “But the point still stands: babies have so many feelings, Diego, and I’m telling you that hatred is one of them.”

“Klaus,” Diego says. “Do you actually think Allison’s kid would hate Luther?”

“Oh, babies,” Klaus says, digging into his yogurt. “Who knows what goes on in those adorable tiny heads?”

“Definitely not you,” Diego says.

“Hey, I’m actually really good with kids,” Klaus says. “You know when I lived on the streets, there was this woman I was friendly with, and she had the most adorable little three-year-old and I’d hang out with him sometimes when she was working. We had a grand old time. Babies love me!”

“Yeah, because you’re the human equivalent of one of those ceiling mobiles,” Diego says.

Klaus waves the feather-trimmed sleeve of his coat and Claire turns her head, wide-eyed. Diego closes his eyes and resists the urge to sink his head down on the table.

“You look emotionally constipated, Diego. Is babysitting draining you of your vim and vigor?”

Diego rubs his hand over his face. Sometimes, spending time with Klaus feels like popping his own brain cells one by one like bubble wrap.

“Hey, seriously,” Klaus says, leaning forward. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Diego says, removing his hand. “Going a little crazy from being stuck in the house. But fine.”

“Why are you stuck in the house?”

Diego points at Claire.

“Huh,” Klaus says. “You know… there’s no rule against taking Claire out of the house.”

“How?” Diego says. “Stroller’s broken.”

“That’s not the only way to go outside with a baby,” Klaus says. “You can carry her in your arms, you can get one of those harnesses to carry her around on your chest— oh.”

Diego looks down at the leather straps snaking over his chest.

“Oh,” he says.

_“Oh,”_ Klaus says.

 

—

They run into Allison just as they’re returning to the Academy.

“Hey, guys,” Allison says, getting out of the cab in front of the gates. “It’s so nice out, I’m glad you got to— _Diego.”_

“You got something to say?” Diego says.

Allison opens her mouth, and then closes it. The straps of Diego’s harness are adjusted to accommodate a bundle of pastel pink blankets. Nestled between the leather buckles and the soft fabric of his turtleneck, Claire’s face is turned against Diego’s chest, eyes closed, one tiny thumb caught in her mouth. Diego gently removes it and pats her cheek.

“Wake up, babe,” he says. “Mom’s back.”

Claire blinks her eyes open and looks up. For a moment, Allison bites her lip, and then she shakes her head.

“Wow,” she says. “I mean, if it works, it works.”

“It works great,” Diego says, hooking an arm under Claire’s legs. “Hey, did you know that tough guys with babies are irresistible to women? Because when we got coffee, every single female person in that diner was throwing herself at me and I gotta tell you, it was satisfying. Ten out of ten.”

“It was entirely the baby, Diego,” Klaus says. “You had nothing to do with it.”

“No, I’m pretty it was the contrast,” Diego says. “A girl looks at me on my own and she thinks I’m too macho, but with the baby? She sees I’ve got layers. I’ve got a soul.”

“Or she thinks you’re same-sex married to me,” Klaus says.

“But not when I tell her I’m single,” Diego says. “Single and babysitting for my sister. Instant appeal.”

“Is she comfortable in there?” Allison says. “Those straps look kind of tight.”

“She is obscenely, unfairly comfortable,” Klaus says. “I’m getting kind of envious. She’s so snuggly in there against him! I wish I could get Diego to carry me around like that.”

“That is the last thing I would ever do for you,” Diego says.

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Klaus says. “You don’t have to remind me. It’s painful.”

“Did you have a good time with your uncles?” Allison says, leaning down to be level with Claire. “Yeah? You look like you had a good time.”

Claire smiles and kicks her pajama-clad feet.

“Hey, easy,” Diego says, catching her feet before they can hit him. “You gotta be gentle, okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard his body’s a temple,” Klaus says, leaning on the gate.

Allison’s eyes are only for Claire. Her entire face lights up and she drops her handbag to the sidewalk so she can crouch in front of her daughter, who’s still strapped onto Diego’s chest. Claire reaches out a little hand and Allison catches it with her thumb and forefinger.

“What did I say?” Diego says, looking down at the baby on his chest. “Stroke of genius.”

“My idea, actually, but whatever,” Klaus says. “Aww, look, Diego, you broke Allison.”

“Can I?” Allison says to Diego, and Diego nods. She stands up and reaches her manicured hands into the straps of the harness and tries to lift Claire out. Claire squirms. Allison tugs gently, and then she stops.

“How long did it take you guys to get her in here?” she says.

“Legitimately like forty-five minutes,” Klaus says.

“Huh,” Allison says, reaching for the adjustments of a different strap. “Did you think about how to get her out?”

There’s a silence.

“Hey, I just invented the most fun family bonding idea ever,” Klaus says. “Why don’t we all go inside and spend forty minutes hacking at Diego’s chest to get Allison’s precious and beloved baby daughter out of this screwed-up contraption of our own devising?”

“Do we have a choice?” Allison says weakly.

“Nope,” Diego says. He looks down at Claire. “Family bonding it is. Sorry, baby.”

“Sorry,” Klaus echoes. But from the expression on his face, half glee and half adoration, he doesn’t look very sorry at all.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this fic, you can reblog its post on [ Tumblr! ](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/post/185737231801/fic-on-board)


End file.
